When is the right time to start planning? (Hint: it's just after your parent's 75th birthday)

Families tend to delay these conversations until their loved one is very sick, very frail, or very close to the end. Sometimes they don't have these conversations at all. Then families find themselves making profound decisions in hospital corridors, under stress, without knowing what their loved one actually wanted.

86% of people have no plan at all for the last stages of life, yet 70% of all deaths are predictable and can be planned for. We're not planning for something unlikely - we're avoiding something certain.

The honest answer: as early as possible.

Not because something's wrong. Not because anyone's dying tomorrow. But because early planning allows for thoughtful consideration and meaningful discussions when everyone's calm and capable. It ensures the person's wishes and preferences are known and respected, making it easier to navigate this stage with dignity and compassion.

The practical answer: just after your parent's 75th birthday.

Of all the possible moments to have this conversation, this might be the easiest - and it's the one most families miss entirely.

We're reminded to check everything except what matters most

Australia has perfected the art of the polite reminder. We're regularly nudged to check what's happening inside and out.

At 50, the government sends a discreet birthday gift, and we return the favour with our poo. Cervical and breast screening follow the same formula: the right age, a simple tool, and the shared understanding that it's just what responsible adults do.

We check our cholesterol, our skin for melanomas, our eyes, and our teeth. We get reminders for car registration and licence renewal. The system is designed to catch things early, when there are still choices, when planning makes a difference.

Yet the reminders stop short of life's final chapter - the most predictable stage we'll ever face, certain to touch each of us in our own aging and in those we love.

For all our check-ups and scans, we've skipped the final nudge: to make a meaningful plan before a crisis hits.

The most important trigger point: Just after your parent turns 75

A large proportion of deaths (65%) occur among individuals aged 75 years and over. This isn't meant to be grim. Promise. It's a statistical reality that helps us know when planning becomes essential.

Turning 75 doesn't mean someone's about to die. Many people live vibrant, healthy, independent lives well into their 80s and 90s. But it does mark entry into a different life chapter - the later stage where having these conversations shifts from "we should probably..." to "we really need to."

The 75-year-old health check: Medicare's signal we keep missing

Just after turning 75, your parent is entitled to a comprehensive health assessment through Medicare. It's a longer GP appointment specifically designed to assess overall health, identify any issues early, and discuss preventive care.

The GP checks:

• Physical health and chronic conditions

• Medications and potential interactions

• Mobility and fall risk

• Vision and hearing

• Mental health and cognitive function

• Social connections and support networks

It's a thorough, government-funded recognition that 75 is a significant milestone in health management. Medicare knows that at this age, people enter a different demographic risk category - not because anything's necessarily wrong, but because population-level data tells us this is when a comprehensive health assessment becomes essential.

But here's what almost never gets discussed in that appointment: future care preferences.

The GP checks everything medical. They may mention the concept of Advanced Care Planning. But it often feels a bit cold, clinical, and legalistic. Surprise, surprise. Not many people go on to prepare them.

No one is really asking whether the person has thought about what matters most to them as they age,  what kind of care aligns with their values, where they'd want to be cared for if they couldn't manage alone, and who should make decisions if they can't.

The weeks after the 75-year-old health check are the perfect time for these conversations - and almost no one uses them.

Why this milestone matters

By 75, statistics shift:

• Hospital admissions become more likely

• Falls and serious injuries increase in frequency

• Chronic conditions often require more complex management

• The risk of entering the demographic where one in every four hospital beds is occupied by someone in the last stage of life becomes much higher

This isn't about decline, it's about demographic reality. At 75, your parent is in a different risk category. Not because anything's wrong with your parent specifically, but because population-level data tells us this is when planning becomes essential.

Medicare knows this. That's why the health check exists at exactly this age.

We should take the same signal and have conversations as a family. At the kitchen table.

How to use this milestone

In the weeks after your parent's 75th birthday:

"Mum, now that you've turned 75, you'll be getting that comprehensive health check through Medicare. While we're thinking about health, I've been reading that this is also the time people should talk about future care planning - not just the medical stuff, but what you'd want if you ever needed more help. Can we have that conversation?"

After they've had the 75-year-old health check:

"Dad, how did your health check go? Everything okay? You know, I was thinking—they check all the medical things, but did anyone ask about your wishes for future care? About what matters most to you as you get older? Can we talk about that?"

If your parent is already past 75:

"Mum, you had your 75-year-old health check a while back. I realise we never talked about the other important planning that should happen at that age - about your care preferences and wishes. About the things that matter most to you in this stage of your life. Can we do that now? Better late than never."

 

If your parent is past 75 and you haven't had this conversation, watch for these other natural moments:

After a serious health incident or diagnosis

Cancer. Heart disease. Stroke. Dementia. COPD. Any diagnosis that's life-limiting or significantly affects quality of life.

Why this matters: A serious diagnosis shifts the timeline from "someday, eventually" to "this is actually happening." People often become more open to discussing future care when facing a concrete health challenge.

Following any hospitalization

Surgery. A fall. Pneumonia. Any reason your parent ends up in the hospital creates a natural opening.

Why this matters: Suddenly, the abstract becomes concrete. Your parent was in a hospital bed. Doctors were asking questions about wishes and decision-makers. Everyone got a glimpse of vulnerability. That awareness creates an opening.

When a spouse or close friend dies or becomes seriously ill

Loss makes people reflective. When your parent's friend is diagnosed or dies, they're thinking about their own mortality, their own wishes.

Why this matters: They're already thinking about these questions. The conversation just makes those thoughts explicit and actionable.

At milestone birthdays (80, 85, 90)

Beyond 75 as the initial trigger, subsequent milestone birthdays are natural points to review and update plans.

Why this matters: Preferences change. What someone wanted at 75 might look different at 85. Regular reviews ensure plans stay current.

Or whenever the moment feels right

Sometimes the conversation opens naturally - not at a planned milestone, not after a crisis, just in the flow of ordinary life.

Your parent mentions a friend who's struggling. Or they comment on a news story about aged care. Or they say something offhand about "when I'm old" and for once, the moment feels right.

When that happens: take it. Go with it.

Don't overthink it. Don't wait for a "better" time. The fact that they've opened the door (even slightly) is your invitation.

"You know, that's actually something I've been wanting to talk to you about. Can we talk about it now?"

The best conversations often happen when you're not trying to force them: when the topic surfaces naturally, and you're brave enough to follow it instead of letting it pass.

 

If your parent is 82 and you've never had this conversation - start now.

Don't let guilt about missing previous opportunities prevent you from acting today. Every moment you delay is another moment closer to making decisions in crisis instead of with thoughtful planning.

"I should have had this conversation after you turned 75. I kept putting it off and now you're 82. Can we do it now?"

 

The gap between what Australians want and what actually happens is profound.

Up to 90% of people say they want to be cared for at home with appropriate supports, and at least half say they would prefer to die at home. Yet as few as one in twenty deaths actually happen at home.

Why? Because more than 80% of deaths happen in hospitals and aged care facilities, not because people prefer hospitals, but because families don't know preferences, care isn't arranged in advance, and crisis forces hospital admission.

Planning just after 75 (while everyone's still healthy and calm) can help to close this gap. 

1. Use the 75th birthday as your planning trigger

Don't wait for a crisis. Don't wait for a serious diagnosis. Use the milestone that Medicare already recognises as significant. Start when everyone's calm, capable, and has time to think clearly.

2. Return to these conversations when circumstances change

Planning isn't one-and-done. If health changes, if someone's experience with a friend's situation shifts their thinking, if preferences evolve - revisit the conversation. Update the plan at 80, 85, 90.

Vera's tools (coming soon) will help you recognise trigger points, guide conversations, document preferences clearly, and review plans as circumstances change - ensuring care always aligns with current wishes.

 

1. Start early and start gently

Don't wait for a crisis or diagnosis. Begin these conversations when everyone is well and not under stress. Make it an invitation, not an instruction. The best time is around the kitchen table, not in hospital corridors.

Try: "Now that you've turned 75, this is the conversation people usually have. Can we?"

2. Listen more than you talk

Give them "a good listening to," not "a good talking to." Embrace the thoughtful silences. They're processing time, not awkward pauses. Your job is to understand their wishes, not convince them of yours.

Try: Ask a question, then wait. Really wait. Let them think and respond in their own time.

3. Talk about what matters most, not just medical decisions

Ask about their best hopes and worst dreads. What brings them joy? Who are their most important relationships? Where do they feel most at peace? These aren't medical questions - they're human ones.

Try: "What matters most to you as you think about getting older?"

4. Make it an ongoing conversation, not a one-time event

Preferences change with age and health. Check in regularly. Build understanding over time through small conversations rather than one overwhelming discussion.

Try: "Last time we talked about this, you said... Has that changed at all?"

5. Create a meaningful plan together

Document what you've learned: care preferences, preferred place of care, who will be involved in decisions, and how information should be shared. Include legal and financial matters, but remember: the plan should reflect their values and relationships, not just medical choices.

Try: "Let me read back what I've written down. Did I get this right?"

There's no one-size-fits-all approach. Some families will have these conversations easily at Sunday lunch. Others will need multiple attempts over months. Some parents will engage immediately. Others will resist until a specific event makes it unavoidable.

That's why Vera exists.

Vera provides guidance on discussing and planning for the later stages of life, as you care for ageing parents. We help you:

• Recognise when the moment for conversation has arrived (like just after 75)

• Approach the discussion in ways that respect your family's dynamics

• Document wishes clearly so they can actually guide care

• Update plans as health and preferences change

• Share information with family and healthcare providers

With a meaningful plan in place, the last stages of life can be a time of precious and positive memories, not just crisis management and regret.

Planning doesn't prevent death. It doesn't make grief easier. But it does ensure that:

• Families know they're honouring wishes, not guessing

• Care happens in alignment with your parents' values, not just medical protocol

• People experience dignified deaths in their desired manner and place

• Families can focus on presence and connection, not panicked decision-making

By using the 75th birthday as your planning trigger, or by starting now if that milestone has passed, we can make this difficult time a little easier for everyone involved. We can focus on what truly matters: honouring the wishes and values of the person we love, and cherishing the time left together.

This week:

• Check when your parent turned (or will turn) 75

• If it's within the next few months, put a reminder in your calendar for just after their birthday

• If they've already passed 75, start planning the conversation now

• Watch for natural openings in conversation - and take them when they appear

This month:

• Read: The conversations that need to happen at your kitchen table for detailed guidance

• Start with one conversation, even if brief

• Document what you learn 

This year:

• Ensure legal documents are in place (power of attorney, advance care directives)

• Share documented wishes with relevant people

• Set calendar reminders for future review points at milestone birthdays (80, 85, 90)

 

See Vera's articles:

• The conversations that need to happen at your kitchen table

• When your family avoids 'The Talk" and how to start anyway

• The documents you need (before you need them)

Family members not on the same page?

• The siblings who disappeared all year suddenly have opinions about Mum's care

Australian resources:

• Violet, a national NFP offering free Support Programs
  violet.org.au

• Advance Care Planning Australia
  advancecareplanning.org.au or 1300 208 582

• My Aged Care
  myagedcare.gov.au or 1800 200 422

• Carer Gateway
  carergateway.gov.au