Things are very different but we're all pretending they're not

In this article

Here's how to survive the performance while planting seeds for what needs to happen next.

You're compensating for your parents' declining capacity in ways that are invisible to everyone else.

You're:

• Doing their shopping and pretending they asked you to

• Managing medications they forget to take

• Paying bills they can't keep track of

• Calling them daily to make sure they're okay

• Dropping by "just to visit" but actually checking they've eaten

• Fixing things they've broken or forgotten

• Covering for confusion or mistakes

Meanwhile, when siblings call: "How are Mum and Dad?" "They're fine! Still at home, managing well."

Because that's the script. That's what your parents want you to say. That's what distant siblings want to hear. And if you tell the truth, you'll be accused of being negative or trying to take over.

But Christmas is coming. Everyone will be there for extended time. The performance can't hold.

 

Your parents are hiding their decline

They're afraid of:

• Losing independence

• Being "put in a home"

• Admitting they need help

• Burdening their children

• Losing control of their lives

So they rally for phone calls. They tidy before visitors arrive. They rehearse answers to common questions. They hide the evidence of struggle.

This isn't manipulation. It's self-preservation. And it's exhausting for them.

Distant siblings don't want to see it

Because seeing it means:

• Difficult decisions loom

• Their childhood home might have to be sold

• Their parents are aging out of independence

• They might need to step up and help

• The future they imagined isn't happening

Denial is easier than facing reality. Until reality becomes undeniable.

You're caught in the middle

You see the truth daily. But you're also the one who gets accused of catastrophising, being controlling, or seeing problems that "aren't there."

So you keep compensating. Keep managing. Keep performing the fiction that everything's fine.

Until it isn't.

 

Send the reality check (even if they minimise it)

One week before Christmas, send this to the family group chat:

"Hey everyone - I want to give you a heads-up before Christmas. Mum and Dad are still at home, but things have changed quite a bit since last year. They need help with [specific examples]. The house isn't as maintained as it used to be. They tire quickly now. Just letting you know so you're not surprised."

Why this specific language:

• "I want to give you a heads-up" (helpful, not alarmist)

• "Things have changed" (factual, not catastrophising)

• "Specific examples" (harder to minimise concrete details)

• "So you're not surprised" (frames it as practical information)

Your siblings will probably minimise it: "They've always been forgetful." "Everyone slows down." "You worry too much."

Send it anyway. When Christmas reveals the scope, you have proof you tried to tell them.

Prepare your parents (gently)

Don't say: "Everyone's going to see how much you've declined."

Do say: "Christmas will be busy with everyone here. It's okay if you need to rest or if things feel overwhelming. I'll help manage."

You're giving them permission to stop performing. To be tired. To need help.

They might not take it. But you've offered.

Decide what you'll stop compensating for

You can't keep all the plates spinning AND host Christmas.

Choose what you'll let become visible:

• The dodgy stair rail you've been meaning to fix

• The pile of mail they haven't sorted

• The confusion about what day it is

• The fact they can't follow complex conversations anymore

 

Don't narrate everything

Your instinct will be to explain, mediate, smooth over every awkward moment.

Don't.

Let your siblings see:

• Dad getting confused about where the bathroom is

• Mum forgetting she already asked that question

• The difficulty getting up from the chair

• The mess in areas they usually keep tidy

• The exhaustion after 90 minutes of socializing

Witnessing is more powerful than your explanations.

Redirect but don't cover

When Dad gets confused: Don't jump in with "Dad, you know where the bathroom is, it's where it's always been!"

Do redirect: "Bathroom's just down the hall, Dad. I'll show you."

When Mum repeats the same story: Don't say "Mum, you already told us that story."

Do let it happen. Your siblings need to notice the repetition themselves.

You're still helping. But you're not hiding the reality.

Notice who helps and who watches

Watch which siblings:

• Jump in to help

• Sit back and watch you do everything

• Make comments but don't act

• Actually offer concrete assistance

This tells you who might step up later. And who will continue letting you carry it alone.

Use Christmas as the catalyst

If your siblings start saying things like: "Wow, Dad's really struggling with the stairs." "Has Mum always been this confused?" "I didn't realise they needed this much help."

Your response: "This is what I've been managing. We need to talk about what comes next."

Not defensive. Not "I told you so." Just factual.

 

Not on Christmas Day. Everyone's emotional, tired, full of food and wine. Bad time for major planning.

In early January, schedule a family call or meeting.

"Now that everyone's seen where Mum and Dad actually are, we need to talk about the future. The current setup isn't sustainable. Here's what needs to change."

Come prepared with:

1. Specific care needs they have:

• Daily medication management

• Help with meals/shopping

• Safety concerns (stairs, falls risk, confusion)

• How many hours per week you're providing care

2. What you can and can't keep doing: "I can continue doing [X], but I can't also do [Y and Z]. I need help."

Be specific. Not "I need support" but "I need someone to take over grocery shopping and medication management."

3. Options you've researched:

• Home Care Package level they'd need

• Cost of private home care if package wait is long

• Moving in with family (whose home, what modifications needed)

• Retirement village or aged care (preliminary research)

4. Timeline: "We need a plan by [date]. I can't keep doing this alone without a longer-term solution."

The ask is concrete

Not: "We need to talk about Mum and Dad" (vague, invites endless discussion)

Instead:

• "I need [sibling A] to take over their finances"

• "I need [sibling B] to do weekly grocery shop"

• "I need [sibling C] to contribute $500/month toward additional care costs"

• "I need everyone to commit to quarterly family meetings about their care"

If siblings say they can't: "Then we need to hire help. Here's what that costs. How much will each of you contribute?"

 

Your parents will probably resist any changes. They've worked hard to maintain the appearance of independence.

"We're fine, we don't need help"

Your response: "You're managing because I'm here constantly. That's not sustainable. We need a plan for how you get help when I can't be here."

"You're trying to take over"

Your response: "I'm trying to make sure you're safe and that I don't collapse from doing this alone. This is about finding sustainable support for all of us."

"We're not going into a home"

Your response: "Nobody's talking about that today. We're talking about how to help you stay home safely. But we need actual plans, not just hoping it works out."

 

Some siblings will see the struggle at Christmas and still revert to denial by February.

"They seemed fine to me."
"They were performing for two hours. This is their baseline daily reality. The question isn't whether you think they're fine. The question is whether you're willing to help manage what I've been managing alone."

"You're being too controlling."
"I can step back. But then who takes over the daily medication management, shopping, bill paying, and check-ins? If you want me to do less, someone else needs to do more. Who's that going to be?"

"Let's just wait and see."
"I've been waiting and seeing for 18 months while compensating for everything. The waiting is over. We're making a plan."

 

Christmas just gave you something invaluable: witnesses.

Your siblings can't unsee what they saw. Even if they minimise it later, they witnessed the reality.

Document what they witnessed: "Remember at Christmas when Dad couldn't find the bathroom? When Mum got overwhelmed after an hour? When you noticed the house wasn't being maintained?"

Use their observations as leverage for change.

The conversation becomes: "You all saw at Christmas that things have changed. Here's the plan I'm proposing based on what we all witnessed."

Not: "I've been telling you for months" (defensive) But: "We all saw it. Now we need to act on it."

 

Sometimes families witness the decline and still don't step up.

They might:

• Acknowledge it's hard but offer no concrete help

• Suggest solutions they won't implement themselves

• Express concern but not change their involvement

• Go back to their lives while you keep managing alone

If that happens, you have clarity. Not the clarity you wanted, but clarity nonetheless.

Your options then:

1. Accept you'll continue mostly alone and stop expecting more

2. Hire help with their money (if they have it) or family contributions

3. Force the issue: "If I can't get help, I need to step back. Then what happens?"

 

 

Before Christmas:

• Sent reality check to family group chat

• Prepared parents for busy day

• Decided what I'll stop compensating for

• Made peace with letting reality show

During Christmas:

• Let siblings witness without over-explaining

• Redirected but didn't cover for parents

• Noticed who actually helped vs. watched

• Used moments of visibility to plant seeds

After Christmas:

• Scheduled family meeting for January

• Documented what everyone witnessed

• Prepared specific care needs and costs

• Made concrete asks for involvement or contribution

• Set timeline for decisions

 

Everyone can see Mum's changed, but no one's talking about it 
When the decline becomes undeniable and nobody knows how to acknowledge it

The conversations that need to happen at your kitchen table (not a hospital corridor)

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