This is our first Christmas without them

In this article

Here's how to survive the first holiday after loss.

You're being asked to:

• Gather and celebrate (when you don't feel celebratory)

• Be around family (who didn't carry what you carried)

• Navigate everyone's different grief styles

• Potentially host or coordinate (because you always did)

• Act "okay" (when you're not)

• Honour traditions (that no longer make sense)

All while processing:

• The absence of your parent

• The end of your caregiving role

• Complicated feelings about relief + grief

• Exhaustion from months or years of caregiving

• The fact that life keeps moving when yours stopped

It's a lot. Too much, actually.

 

Caregiver grief is complicated

You might be feeling:

Relief (that they're not suffering, that you're not caregiving anymore)
Guilt (about feeling relieved, about things you did or didn't do) Exhaustion (bone-deep, months or years of accumulated depletion)
Emptiness (the structure of your life was caregiving; now what?)
Resentment (at siblings who weren't there, at people who "had it easier")
Numbness (protective shutdown after sustained trauma) All of the above (simultaneously and confusingly)

None of this is wrong. Caregiver grief is different from other grief because it includes the grief of what caregiving cost you.

Your siblings' grief is different from yours

They're grieving: The parent they lost
You're grieving: The parent you lost + the years of your life spent caregiving + the relationship you couldn't have because you were the caregiver + the sibling relationships damaged by unequal burden

They might be: Sad, reflective, nostalgic
You might be: Exhausted, relieved, angry, numb, or crying in ways that surprise you

Neither is wrong. But they're not the same.

 

You don't owe anyone a "normal" Christmas.
Let's be clear about that first.

You can:

• Cancel Christmas entirely

• Do something completely different

• Gather but keep it very simple

• Go away somewhere and skip December 25th

• Celebrate with friends instead of family

• Stay home alone

All valid choices.

Questions to ask yourself:

1. What do I actually have capacity for? Not "what should I do" but "what can I realistically handle without falling apart?"

2. Who helped during caregiving? The siblings who showed up? Those might be okay to be around. The ones who disappeared? Might be too much to face right now.

3. What would make this harder?

• Pretending to be fine when you're not

• Managing other people's grief

• Hosting or organising

• Being around conflict

• Performing gratitude or cheerfulness

4. Is there anyone pushing you to gather for their needs, not yours? "We need to be together for Mum's sake." (Mum's gone. This would be for them, not her.)

You're allowed to choose what you can survive

If gathering feels impossible: don't gather.

If you need family but can't handle hosting: tell someone else to organize it.

If you can handle Christmas Day but not Christmas Eve and Boxing Day: just do the one day.

You're not being selfish. You're being realistic about your capacity.

 

Tell people explicitly what to expect

One week before, send this message:

"As we all know, this is our first Christmas without Mum/Dad. I want to be clear about what I can and can't do.

I'm not hosting. [Name] is. I'm coming for [X hours], then leaving. I might cry. I might be quiet. I might leave early. I need people to be okay with that.

We'll acknowledge Mum/Dad, but I can't manage everyone's grief. Please come prepared to handle your own feelings."

Why this works:

• Sets expectations (nobody's surprised when you're not okay)

• Establishes boundaries (you're not hosting/managing)

• Gives people warning (they can prepare themselves)

• Takes pressure off you to perform

Decide how you'll acknowledge them

Option 1: Brief and contained Light a candle before the meal. Someone says: "We miss Dad. He'd be happy we're together. Let's eat." Done. Move forward.

Option 2: Structured sharing "Anyone who wants to can share one memory of Mum. Keep it to 2 minutes each." Creates space for grief without it consuming the day.

Option 3: Physical ritual

• Empty chair with their photo

• Place setting for them

• Toast to them before eating

• Playing their favorite music

Option 4: Don't acknowledge at all "We all know why today is hard. Let's just be together."

None of these is "right." Pick what you can handle.

Plan your escape

Before you arrive, know exactly how you're leaving.

• Car keys in your pocket

• Someone designated to drive you if needed

• "I'm leaving" code word with one trusted person

• Time limit you've set in advance (2 hours, 3 hours, all day)

When you need to leave: "I need to go now. Thank you for lunch. I'll call tomorrow."

No apologies. No explanations. Just departure.

 

"This is what Mum would have wanted"

Your response: "We don't actually know that. But this is what I can manage right now."

"We need to stay strong for each other"

Your response: "I'm tired of being strong. I'm just trying to get through today."

"You're being selfish"

Your response: "I spent [months/years] caring for Mum/Dad while you did [very little]. I'm taking care of myself now. That's not selfish."

"Dad would be disappointed you're not [hosting/cooking/whatever]"

Your response: "Dad would understand I'm exhausted from caring for him. I'm doing what I can."

"We're family, we should be together"

Your response: "Being together isn't helpful if I fall apart. I'm making the choice that protects my wellbeing."

 

The guilt campaign

"But it's Christmas!" "We need to be together!" "It won't be the same without you!"

Your response: "I understand you're disappointed. But I can't handle gathering this year. I need this time to grieve privately."

Then stop responding. Don't get drawn into debate.

What you'll do instead

You don't have to justify your choice, but having a plan helps you feel more confident.

Options:

• Volunteer somewhere (busy, meaningful, not focused on your grief)

• Travel somewhere completely different (beach, mountains, anywhere but "home")

• Spend it with friends who have no Christmas obligations

• Stay home alone with movies, takeaway, and zero expectations

• Join a "Friendsmas" gathering for people avoiding family

The only rule: Do what actually sounds survivable, not what sounds virtuous.

 

What to release

• Gatherings at your parent's house (that's not possible anymore)

• Your parent's signature dish (making it might be too hard)

• Gift exchanges if your parent was the organizer

• Anything that required their presence to make sense

What you might keep (modified)

• A simplified version of the meal

• Smaller gathering (just you and siblings, not extended family)

• One specific tradition that feels meaningful (others can go)

Permission to do something completely different

New traditions for this first Christmas without them:

• Different location (not where you used to gather)

• Different meal (breaking completely from the past)

• Different day (celebrate December 23rd or 26th instead)

• Different people (friends instead of family)

• No celebration at all (that's valid too)

 

 

This is where resentment can overflow.

The sibling who disappeared during caregiving is now:

• Posting emotional tributes on social media

• Crying at the family gathering

• Talking about how hard this is

• Claiming they wish they'd been there more

You're thinking: "Where was this grief when I needed help? Where were you when I was caregiving alone?"

That resentment is valid.

What to do with it

Option 1: Name it privately To a friend, therapist, or journal: "I'm furious that they get to grieve publicly when they did nothing to help."

Let yourself feel it. That anger is real and earned.

Option 2: Name it directly (if you can) "You're grieving now. I needed help then. I can't carry your grief on top of my own."

Option 3: Distance yourself You don't have to attend every family event. You don't have to maintain relationships that re-traumatise you.

 

 

It won't be linear

You might feel:

• Fine for days, then devastated

• Relieved, then guilty about the relief

• Angry at your parent for dying and leaving you with this

• Numb and disconnected

• Surprised by what triggers grief (not the "big" moments but random small ones)

Anniversaries will be hard

• Their birthday

• Date of death

• First Christmas

• First Mother's Day / Father's Day

• Random Tuesday when something reminds you

You can't avoid grief triggers. But you can plan for the predictable ones.

On hard anniversary days: take the day off, have support ready, lower all expectations.

People will say unhelpful things

"They're in a better place." "At least they're not suffering." "You were so good to them." "Time heals."

Your internal response: "Shut up."

Your actual response: "Thanks." (Then change the subject or walk away.)

You don't owe anyone engagement with their platitudes.

 

It gets easier

Not because you miss them less. But because you're not navigating it for the first time.

Second Christmas after loss: You know what to expect. You've adjusted. You've figured out what works.

First Christmas is the hardest. You're still in acute grief, exhausted from caregiving, navigating new dynamics without your parent.

Give yourself credit for surviving it.

The debrief

In January, ask yourself:

• What worked? (Keep doing that)

• What made it harder? (Change or avoid next year)

• Who was helpful? (Stay close to those people)

• Who made it worse? (Distance yourself from them)

• What do I need to do differently next year?

 

 

Deciding whether to gather:

• Asked myself what I actually have capacity for

• Considered who helped vs. who didn't during caregiving

• Made a decision based on my needs, not guilt

• Communicated clearly if I'm not gathering

If gathering:

• Set clear expectations with family beforehand

• Decided how we'll acknowledge the absence

• Planned my escape route and time limit

• Gave myself permission to leave early, cry, or be quiet

• Had one person designated to support me

If not gathering:

• Made a plan for what I'll do instead

• Set boundaries with family about my choice

• Stopped responding to guilt campaigns

• Did something that felt survivable

After Christmas:

• Acknowledged I survived

• Debriefed what worked and what didn't

• Planned to do it differently next year if needed

 

You're not just tired. This is what burnout actually feels like.
Caregiver burnout hits hardest after a crisis. Recognise the warning signs and access free support through Carer Gateway before you crash completely.

Managing grief and loss
Read more about the free, evidence-based Support Programs available through Violet, a national non-profit.