There's a way forward (let us show you)

Mei had been putting off thinking about it for months.

Her dad seemed... different. Quieter on their weekly calls. The house looked messier when Mei visited from Sydney. He'd forgotten their lunch date twice. There were other small things - the same shirt worn several visits in a row, bills stacked on the kitchen table, the garden he used to love looking overgrown.

Each thing on its own felt explainable. Her dad was tired. He'd been busy. He'd had a lot on his mind since Mei's mum died.

But together? Mei didn't know what she was looking at. And she definitely didn't know what to do about it.

"I kept thinking I should do something," Mei told us. "But I didn't know what. I didn't even know if this was normal aging or if I should be worried. I just felt... stuck."

If that sounds familiar, you're in the right place.

Vera is your candid companion to navigate the care of your ageing parents with clarity, not chaos.

We help you figure out what's actually happening with your ageing parent - and what to do about it - without the jargon, the judgment, or the overwhelm.

Most aged care resources are written for healthcare professionals or assume you already know what you're looking for. Vera is different. We meet you where you are: worried, stretched thin, trying to figure out if what you're seeing matters - and what to do if it does.

We provide:

• Clear guidance on what you're actually looking at (like this reflection framework)

• Practical next steps based on your specific situation, not generic advice

• Plain-English explanations of Australia's health and aged care system 

• Conversation scripts for the talks you've been avoiding

• Guided Journeys that walk you through what to do next, step by step

Think of Vera as the trusted friend who's been through this before - the one who tells you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. We acknowledge that this is hard. We validate what you're feeling. And then we show you the way forward.

This article is your starting point. It helps you reflect on what you've been seeing so you can understand what it means, and which Guided Journey will show you exactly what to do next.

You've noticed changes. But you don't have a framework for understanding what they mean.

Is this normal ageing? Is it temporary (grief, tiredness, winter blues, recovering from illness)? Are they early signs of decline? Or is it already urgent?

The problem isn't that you're not paying attention. The problem is you're not supposed to be an immediate expert. That's not your job. Your job is to notice what's changing.

We'll help you understand what it means and show you the way forward.

Before you start reflecting on what you've observed, there's an important question:

Has someone else expressed concern about your parent?

Maybe it was:

• Your sibling who lives closer: "Have you been to see Mum lately? I'm worried."

• A neighbour: "I wanted to let you know I've noticed your dad's not quite himself."

• A friend of your parents: "I'm not sure if I should say something, but..."

• Staff at their aged care facility or retirement village: "We've noticed some changes..."

• Their GP's receptionist: "Your mum's missed a few appointments recently."

If someone who sees your parent regularly has raised concerns, take it seriously.

Here's why: Your parent might be very good at putting on their "game face" for you.

The "game face" effect

When you visit or call, your parent knows you're checking on them. So they:

• Tidy up before you arrive

• Put on clean clothes for your visit

• Have their "I'm fine" script ready

• Minimise or hide what's actually happening

• Don't want to worry you or burden you

But they can't maintain that performance 24/7. The people who see them regularly - neighbours, friends, local shopkeepers, aged care staff - they see the daily reality. Not the performance.

Graham lived in Brisbane. His mum was in Cairns. He called her twice a week, visited every few months.

"She always sounded fine on the phone," Graham told us. "The house was messy when I visited, but she'd say she'd just been busy, hadn't had time to clean up before I arrived."

Then her next-door neighbour called Graham.

"Your mum's not OK. I see her most days. She's wearing the same clothes for a week at a time. Her bins haven't been put out in three weeks. They're overflowing. I found her confused in the street twice last month. She tells me she's fine, but she's not."

Graham drove up immediately. The neighbour was right. The house wasn't just messy, it was in a state his mum would never have tolerated before. Food rotting in the fridge. Unpaid bills on the table. She'd lost significant weight.

"She'd been managing to sound coherent on our phone calls," Graham said. "And she'd make an effort to clean up when she knew I was visiting. But the neighbour saw the daily truth. If she hadn't called me, I don't know how much longer I would have missed it."

So before you start reflecting on what you've observed, ask yourself: Has anyone else mentioned concerns?

If yes, add their observations to yours. They're seeing things you might be missing.

This might be hard to think about. Some of these observations might be difficult to admit, even to yourself. That's OK. Vera's here to help you think through it clearly, without judgment.

Think back over the past 12 months. Not last week - the last 12 months.
Because patterns matter more than isolated incidents.

As you read through each category below, just notice what resonates. You don't need to count anything or score anything. 

Have you noticed:

• They're cooking less than they used to, or meals have become much simpler

• The house isn't as clean as it used to be - dishes in the sink, bins not taken out as regularly

• Laundry piling up, or wearing the same clothes more often

• The garden they used to love is looking overgrown or neglected

• They're skipping meals or living on toast and tea

The question isn't whether any of these happened once. It's whether you're seeing a pattern over months.

 

Have you noticed:

• Shopping trips are less frequent, or they need help now

• The fridge has less food, or food that's expired

• Bills sitting on the counter - some unopened, some overdue

• Mail is piling up in a way it never used to

• Confusion about medications, or you've found their Webster pack filled incorrectly

• Running out of basics like milk or toilet paper more often

These are the things that may slip first ... the juggling acts of daily life that require planning, memory, and organisation.

Have you noticed:

• They're walking shorter distances or using furniture to steady themselves

• Moving more slowly, or their gait has changed (shuffling, unsteady)

• Avoiding stairs, they used to manage without thinking

• They've fallen - even once

• They are driving less, or they've stopped driving - or you feel less comfortable being in the car with them

• New dents or scrapes on the car that weren't there before

Falls and mobility changes are signals. They tell you something about safety, strength, and confidence.

Have you noticed:

• They're not bathing or showering as regularly as they used to

• Same clothes worn repeatedly, not because they love them, but because laundry isn't happening

• Hair unwashed, appearance less kempt than before

• They've lost weight noticeably

• They're eating very little, or you can tell they're skipping meals

• Dental hygiene has slipped - teeth not brushed, dentures not cleaned

When basic self-care starts slipping, it's telling you something important about their energy, motivation, or ability to manage these tasks.

 

Have you noticed:

• They've stopped going to clubs, groups, or regular activities they used to love

• They're seeing friends much less often

• They're declining invitations to family events more than they accept them

• Less interested in hobbies that used to bring them joy

• The TV is on all day, but they're not really watching it

• They seem more isolated, spending more time alone

Social withdrawal isn't always depression. Sometimes it's exhaustion. Sometimes it's that getting out has become harder.

 

Have you noticed:

• They're forgetting appointments or conversations you've had

• Asking you the same question multiple times in one conversation

• Getting confused about what day it is, or where they are

• Trouble following conversations or TV shows they used to enjoy

• Making decisions that seem unsafe or completely out of character

• Getting lost in places that should be familiar

• Leaving the stove on, taps running, lights on everywhere

And here's the most important one: Has something changed suddenly?

 

Have you noticed:

• They seem depressed, flat, and less interested in life

• More irritable or frustrated than usual - snapping at things that wouldn't have bothered them before

• More anxious or worried about things

• Their personality has changed; they're just not quite themselves

• Withdrawing from people, including you

Mood changes can be a response to loss (grief, loneliness). But they can also signal depression, which is treatable - not "just ageing."

 

Are you seeing isolated incidents (one or two things, once or twice)?

Or are you seeing patterns (multiple things, repeatedly, over weeks or months)?

Isolated incidents look like:

• Your parent forgot one appointment (they were stressed about something else)

• The house was messy after they had the flu

• They wore the same jumper twice (because laundry day was coming up)

Patterns look like:

• Your parent has forgotten multiple appointments over several months

• The house has been progressively getting messier over 6+ months

• They're wearing the same clothes repeatedly because laundry isn't happening

• You're noticing changes across several of the areas above

If you're seeing isolated incidents: Keep observing, but don't panic. Everyone has off days, off weeks.

If you're seeing patterns, especially across multiple areas: It's time to understand what you're looking at and figure out what comes next.

Based on what you've just reflected on, it's likely that you'll recognise yourself in one of these five situations.

This is how you figure out where to start: by identifying which scenario feels most like your situation right now. If none of these feel quite right - don't worry! There are several more to look at.

SCENARIO 1: "Everything's actually fine - but I'm thinking ahead"

Does this sound like you?

You didn't recognise many (or any) of the patterns above. Your parent is managing independently. The house is clean, the bills are paid, they're socially active, taking care of themselves.

But you're here because:

• You watched a friend struggle with their parent, and it made you think

• Your parent just turned 75 or is approaching it

• You want to have conversations now, while everyone's calm

• You want to plan before anything becomes urgent

If this is you → Go to: "My Parents Are Fine... For Now" Guided Journey

This journey helps you:

• Have proactive conversations before a crisis (kitchen tables, not hospital corridors)

• Get foundational documents sorted (POA, advance care directives, care preferences)

• Create a baseline so you'll notice when things change

• Build your knowledge before you're learning during an emergency

Does this sound like you?

You recognised patterns in 2-3 of the categories above - especially in:

• Home management (house messier, less cooking)

• Complex daily tasks (bills, shopping, medications)

• Social activities (doing less, seeing people less)

But basic self-care seems mostly OK. They're still bathing, dressing, and eating. It's the complex stuff that's slipping.

You're stuck between "everything's fine" and "I should be doing something."

If this is you → You're in: "I Don't Know What I Don't Know" Guided Journey

This journey helps you:

• Understand what the changes you're seeing actually mean

• Learn about care options without drowning in jargon

• Build informal support before needing expensive formal care

• Know when to get a professional assessment (and what to expect)

What to do this week:

1. Write down specific examples of what you've noticed (with dates if you remember)

2. Talk to people who see them regularly - ask what they're noticing

3. Start reading the articles in this journey

 

Does this sound like you?

You recognised patterns across multiple categories, including:

• Basic self-care slipping (not bathing regularly, same clothes, weight loss)

• Mobility concerns or falls

• Living alone (after spouse died, moved to care, or never in the picture)

And you're worried because:

• You live in another city or state - distance makes everything scarier

• Every phone call you're listening for signsthat  something's wrong

• You lie awake wondering: if they fell, who would know?

• Maybe someone local (neighbour, friend, staff) has expressed concern

If this is you → Go to: "They're living alone and I'm worried" Guided Journey

This journey helps you:

• Assess actual risk vs. anxiety-driven worry

• Implement safety measures that don't feel infantilising

• Build local check-in systems and support networks

• Know when solo living isn't sustainable anymore

What to do this week:

1. GP appointment for comprehensive assessment (call today to book)

2. Contact My Aged Care: 1800 200 422 for needs assessment

3. Build a safety plan: Who checks daily? Emergency contacts? Who has keys?

4. Talk to local people who see them regularly. What are they noticing?

 

Does this sound like you?

Forget the reflection questions. You're here because:

• Your parent just had a fall, diagnosis, stroke, or hospitalisation

• You got THE CALL that changes everything

• Hospital discharge is happening, and you don't know what comes next

• You need to know what matters THIS WEEK, not everything at once

Or: Something changed suddenly (they were fine last week, confused this week)

If this is you → Go to: "Something Just Happened" Guided Journey

This journey gives you:

• Immediate next steps without overwhelm

• What the doctor actually meant (translated to human language)

• Simple action plan for this week only

• What needs attention now vs. what can wait

 

Does this sound like you?

Your reflections might look "low concern" because YOU'RE doing all the things your parent isn't doing anymore.

You're:

• Doing their shopping

• Managing their medications

• Paying their bills

• Cleaning their house

• Coordinating their appointments

Ask yourself: If I stopped helping tomorrow, what would actually happen?

If the answer is "everything would fall apart" then your parents' actual decline is greater than what you're observing. You're compensating for it.

And if you're:

• Exhausted, stressed, starting to snap at people you love

• Juggling work, your own family, and your parents' care

• Feeling guilty when you take breaks or ask for help

• The only one doing anything while siblings offer opinions from the sidelines

If this is you → Go to: "I'm drowning and no one sees It" Guided Journey

This journey gives you:

• Validation that what you're feeling is normal

• How to identify what you can delegate or let go of

• Permission to prioritise your own wellbeing

• Practical ways to reduce your load this week

 

This is the question that stops most people from acting.

What if you're overreacting? What if you make a fuss and it turns out to be nothing?

Here's the thing: if you're seeing patterns across multiple areas over several months, you're probably not overreacting.

And acting on real patterns early doesn't mean calling an ambulance. It means:

• Having conversations about preferences while everyone's calm

• Building informal support networks before you need formal care

• Getting a GP assessment to rule out treatable causes

• Understanding what options exist before you're making crisis decisions

 

Distance doesn't just make caregiving logistics harder. It amplifies every worry and makes accurate observation nearly impossible.

David's story: When local eyes see what you can't

David's mum had always been organised. After his dad died, David and his brother assumed she'd be fine. She'd always managed everything.

But six months later, David got a call from his brother, who lived closer. "Mate, have you been to see Mum lately? I'm worried."

David drove down from Newcastle to Wollongong. What he found shocked him.

His mum's house - always immaculate - was cluttered. Dishes in the sink. Unopened mail everywhere, including final payment notices. She'd lost weight. She was wearing a cardigan with a stain on it. She seemed confused about which day it was.

"I'm fine," she insisted. "Just been a bit tired."

But she wasn't fine.

"I felt like I should have noticed earlier," David said. "But I only saw her every few weeks. Each visit, there'd be one or two things that seemed off, but I'd explain them away. It wasn't until my brother pointed it out that I saw the pattern."

David's observations from Newcastle (based on phone calls): Everything seemed fine. She sounded coherent on the phone.

David's brother's observations (weekly visits): Multiple areas of serious decline.

The reality: David's brother was right. His mum needed immediate intervention.

What helps when you're far away:

• Video calls, not just phone calls (you can see behind them, see their appearance, see the home environment)

• Talk to people who see them regularly: neighbours, friends, pharmacist, GP receptionist

• Visit at random times, not just holidays when everything's tidied up for your arrival

• Trust local people's concerns over your parents' phone reassurances

Phone calls don't show you the messy kitchen, the stained clothes, the empty fridge, or how they're actually moving around.

 

Mei sat down with a cup of tea and actually thought about the past year with her dad.

Not the phone call from last week. The whole year.

What she realised:

• The house had been getting progressively messier over 6+ months

• He'd forgotten their lunch dates twice, plus other appointments

• Bills were piling up (she'd noticed them on her last three visits)

• The garden had been neglected for months

• He was wearing the same clothes repeatedly

What that told her: Not a crisis. Not "fine." Somewhere in between. Early changes in complex life management tasks.

She recognised herself in Scenario 2: "I Don't Know What I Don't Know"

What she did:

1. Had the conversation with her dad (used scripts from The Conversations article)

2. Got him to GP for assessment (GP found treatable depression contributing to decline)

3. Started building local support network (neighbour check-ins, Meals on Wheels)

4. Got POA done while he had capacity

5. Followed the "I Don't Know What I Don't Know" Guided Journey

Six months later: Her dad's still at home. He has support. Mei sleeps better. She's not reacting to every phone call with panic because she understands what she's looking at.

 

You're not going to solve this in one afternoon. You're not going to become an aged care expert by Tuesday. And that's okay.

But you can take one step today.
You've spent ten minutes reflecting on what you've actually observed over the past year.

Now pick the Guided Journey that matches your situation:

→ "My Parents Are Fine... For Now" - Everything's fine, thinking ahead

→ "I Don't Know What I Don't Know" - Seeing patterns in day-to-day tasks, not sure what it means

→ "They're living alone and I'm worried" - Safety concerns, basic self-care affected, living solo

→ "Something just happened" - Crisis response (fall, diagnosis, hospitalisation)

→ "I'm drowning, and no one sees it" - Already caregiving, exhausted, need support

Each Guided Journey gives you:

• Articles to read in the right order

• Specific actions for this week, this month, this year

• Conversation scripts and practical tools

• Understanding of what comes next at each stage

 

This week:

1. ✅ You've reflected on what you're seeing (done!)

2. Choose your Guided Journey above

3. Read the first article in your journey

4. Take ONE action from that article

This month:

• Work through your Guided Journey at your own pace (one article per week is fine)

• Have initial conversations with your parent if needed

• If you saw concerning patterns: GP visit, My Aged Care call

• Talk to people who see them regularly - what are they noticing?

Next few months:

• Complete your Guided Journey

• Get legal documents in place if needed (POA, advance care directives)

• Build informal support networks

• Check in regularly - are things stable, improving, or getting worse?