Mum lives with you: Managing care at home after a fall

Your mum lives with you. Has done for a while now - maybe months, maybe years. You've had a routine that mostly worked.

Then she fell.

Now she needs more help than before. More supervision. More physical care. Maybe equipment you don't have. Maybe services you don't know how to access. And all of this is happening in your home, with your family, with your job, with your life.

The hospital is discharging her back to you. But "back to you" means something different now than it did last week.

Here's what you need to think through.

This is for you if:

• Your parent lives in your home and has had a fall or medical crisis

• She's coming back to you with increased care needs

• You're trying to figure out what changes in your household

• You're wondering if you can still manage this

• Your family is affected by her care needs

• You need help, but don't know what's available

• You're balancing her care with work and your own family

• You're questioning whether home care is still sustainable

 

Your Mum's needs before the fall

Think about what she could do independently:

• Get to the bathroom alone?

• Shower without help?

• Make tea or meals?

• Move around the house safely?

• Remember medications?

• Call for help if needed?

Her needs now

After the fall:

• Can she do these things now?

• What requires your help?

• What requires physical assistance (lifting, transferring)?

• What requires supervision (can't be alone)?

• What's temporary vs permanent?

 

The immediate safety changes

Before she comes home, you need:

Clear pathways:

• Remove clutter, rugs, cords from main routes

• Ensure she can get from bedroom to bathroom to living areas safely

• Consider rearranging furniture if needed

Bathroom setup:

• Non-slip mat inside shower

• Grab rails if possible (temporary ones exist if you can't install permanent)

• Raised toilet seat if she struggles getting up

• Shower chair so she can sit

Her bedroom:

• Can she get in and out of bed safely?

• Is there lighting she can turn on at night?

• Is it close enough to the bathroom?

• Can she call for help from there?

If your house has stairs:

• Can she manage them?

• If not, can you set up a bedroom/bathroom downstairs temporarily?

• Handrails on both sides?

 

Mobility:

• Walking frame (the hospital might provide)

• Wheelchair for longer distances

• Transfer belt (helps you assist her safely)

Bathroom:

• Shower chair

• Toilet frame or raised seat

• Long-handled sponge for washing

Bedroom:

• Bed rail if she needs help sitting up

• Bedside commode if the bathroom is too far at night

General:

• Personal alarm pendant (she can press if she falls)

• Reacher/grabber for picking things up

 

What support is available

Through My Aged Care (1800 200 422):

Commonwealth Home Support Programme (CHSP):

• Cleaning, shopping assistance

• Personal care (showering, dressing)

• Respite care (someone stays with her while you get a break)

• Meals on Wheels

• Usually low-level support, limited hours

Home Care Package:

• More comprehensive support

• Can include personal care, nursing, therapy, equipment

• Wait times can be months

• Start the assessment NOW if you haven't already

Support at Home (new program):

• Gradually replacing Home Care Packages

• Ask My Aged Care about current availability

 

If you can't wait for government services or need more:

• Private home care agencies (personal care, companionship)

• Private cleaners

• Meal delivery services

• Private nursing for specific medical needs

 

Be realistic about what services provide:

Someone coming 3 times a week for 2 hours each time means:

• 6 hours of support per week

• 162 hours per week you're still managing

This might cover:

• Shower assistance those 3 days

• Some cleaning

• Maybe meal preparation

It doesn't cover:

• Overnight supervision

• Being there if she falls

• Constant availability

• Emotional support and company

 

Your partner/spouse

If you have a partner, this affects them too:

• Their home now includes caregiving

• Their privacy is affected

• Their time with you changes

• Their stress level increases

You need to:

• Talk honestly about what this means

• Acknowledge their feelings (even if they're uncomfortable)

• Make decisions together

• Protect some couple time

• Have an exit plan if it becomes unsustainable

"We'll manage" isn't a plan. "We'll try this for 3 months, then reassess" is a plan.

Your children (if you have kids at home)

Kids notice everything:

• Grandma needs more help now

• Mum/Dad is more stressed and tired

• House routines have changed

• Less attention available

What helps kids:

• Age-appropriate honesty: "Grandma had a fall and needs more help right now."

• Maintaining their routines where possible

• Some one-on-one time with you still

• Not making them caregivers (unless they choose age-appropriate tasks)

• Knowing it's okay to have complicated feelings

Your work

Managing caregiving and full-time work can be really difficult.

You might need to:

• Use emergency leave initially

• Discuss flexible working arrangements

• Consider reducing hours temporarily

• Work from home more if possible

• Have backup plans for care emergencies

Talk to your employer sooner rather than later. Many have carer leave provisions.

Check your workplace rights: Fair Work has provisions for carers.

Your own wellbeing

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Watch for:

• Constant exhaustion

• Irritability with everyone

• No time for yourself

• Neglecting your health

• Feeling resentful

• Sleep deprivation

These are warnings, not weakness.

You need:

• Respite care (someone else provides care while you rest)

• To maintain some activities that are just yours

• To see friends occasionally

• To sleep properly

• Permission to admit this is hard

 

The honest questions

Ask yourself every few weeks:

Is this sustainable?

• Can you maintain this pace for months? Years?

• Is your health suffering?

• Is your family suffering?

• Is she getting adequate care?

Is she safe?

• Can she be alone for the hours you're at work?

• What happens if she falls when you're not there?

• Are her medical needs being met?

• Is her quality of life acceptable?

Is there another option?

• Would she be safer with more support?

• Would she be happier with more social interaction?

• Would residential care actually provide a better quality of life?

 

For your Mum:

• Multiple falls despite precautions

• Declining hygiene (you can't keep up)

• Medical needs increasing

• Isolated and lonely

• Declining mentally or physically

For you:

• Constant exhaustion and burnout

• Relationship strain with partner/family

• Work performance suffering

• Your health declining

• Resentment building

• No respite or breaks

For your family:

• Partner threatening to leave

• Kids' needs are being neglected

• Household chaos

• Everyone is stressed all the time

 

If you're realising this isn't sustainable:

With your Mum

If she can understand: "Mum, I want you to be safe and well looked after. I'm worried I can't provide the level of care you need while managing everything else. Let's talk about what options might work better."

If she resists:

• Acknowledge her feelings

• Don't argue or justify

• State what you can realistically provide

• Explain what you can't

You're allowed to say: "I can't do this anymore" even if she wants to stay.

With family

If siblings are critical: "I've been managing her care in my home. It's not sustainable. If you have alternative solutions that actually work, I'm listening. Otherwise, we need to look at other options."

 

Respite = temporary care so you get a break.

Options:

In-home respite:

• Someone comes to your home

• Stays with her for a few hours

• You can leave, rest, and have time to yourself

Residential respite:

• Your Mum stays in aged care facility temporarily (up to 63 days per year)

• You get a proper break

• Gives you both a chance to reassess

Ask My Aged Care about respite options.

 

Your mum lives with you and has had a fall. Her needs have increased. You're trying to manage this in your home, with your life, with your family.

This is what matters:

This is harder than people who don't do it understand.

Getting support services into your home helps, but doesn't solve everything.

Your household - partner, kids, work, life - is affected by this.

You're allowed to reassess whether this is sustainable.

You're allowed to say "I can't do this anymore."

Choosing other care options isn't abandonment.
It's being realistic about what's safe and sustainable.

If you need aged care services:
→ Read: Support at Home: What Does That Actually Mean?
→ Read: CHSP, HCP, NDIS, DVA: Decoding the Alphabet Soup 

If you're realising this isn't sustainable:
→ Read: Mum Can't Go Home Again: Making the Residential Care Decision 

If family conflict is happening:
→ Read: The Siblings Who Disappeared All Year Suddenly Have Opinions 

If you're burning out:
→ Read: You're Not Just Tired. This Is What Burnout Actually Feels Like