When both parents need help: Dual care planning after a crisis

Your mum had a fall. She's in the hospital. That's the crisis you're managing.

But now you're seeing something else: your dad can't actually cope on his own.

Maybe he's been managing before - just barely. Maybe he's been doing more than you realised, and now, without her there, the house is chaos. Maybe he's confused or struggling or overwhelmed, or all of these things.

You came to deal with one parent's crisis. Now you're realising you have two parents who need help.

This is more complicated than you thought.

This is for you if:

• One parent has had a fall or medical crisis

• The other parent was managing, but clearly can't anymore

• You're realising they've been supporting each other more than you knew

• Dad can't manage alone while Mum's in hospital

• You're trying to figure out care for TWO people now

• You're worried about separating them

• The care decisions just got twice as complicated

• You don't know where to start

The hidden interdependence

Before the crisis, they managed together:

• She cooked, he did the shopping

• He helped her move around, and she managed his medications

• She remembered things, and he provided physical support

• They cued each other, covered for each other

• Together, they functioned

Now she's in the hospital:

• He's not eating properly

• The house is a mess

• He's missed medications

• He seems confused without her

• Bills aren't being paid

• He's more frail than you realised

You're seeing the system fail when one piece is removed.

Assessing both parents

For Mum (the one who fell):

• What's her medical situation?

• What care will she need going forward?

• Can she return home?

• What support would she require?

For Dad (the one you're just now seeing clearly):

• Can he manage self-care (eating, hygiene, medications)?

• Is he safe alone?

• What's his cognitive function actually like?

• What's his physical capacity?

• Is he coping emotionally?

For them as a couple:

• How much do they depend on each other?

• Can one function without the other?

• What would separation do to them?

 

Option 1: Both at home with support

This works if:

• Home can be made safe for both

• Support services can meet both their needs

• Someone can check on them daily

• They can manage between service visits

• Medical needs aren't too complex

What this requires:

• Home Care Package or multiple services

• Equipment for both (mobility aids, bathroom safety)

• Regular family oversight

• Emergency response system

• GP involvement for both

The reality:

• Services are limited hours per week

• The gap between what they need and what's available

• Falls or emergencies still happen

• Family becomes the default backup

Option 2: Both in residential care together

Some facilities offer couples accommodation:

• Shared room or connected rooms

• They stay together

• Both receive professional care 24/7

• Social activities and support

• Medical oversight on-site

The challenges:

• Not all facilities offer this

• They might need different care levels

• Costs are for two people

• Availability limited

The advantage:

• They're not separated

• Both receive adequate care

• Family visits both in one place

• Peace of mind about safety

Option 3: One at home, one in residential care

Sometimes care needs are too different:

• She needs 24/7 nursing care, but he doesn't

• He can manage at home with support, but she can't

• One has dementia, the other is cognitively intact

This is heartbreaking but sometimes necessary.

What this looks like:

• She moves to residential care

• He stays home with support services

• He visits her regularly (you drive him or arrange transport)

• Video calls between visits

• You coordinate care for both in different places

Option 4: One lives with family, one in residential care

If you have the capacity to take one parent, but not both:

• Dad moves in with you

• Mum goes to residential care nearby

• You facilitate regular visits

This splits your caregiving between two locations but might work better than managing both at home.

Option 5: Temporary separation while deciding

Use transition/respite care strategically:

• Mum is in residential respite after the hospital

• Dad is at home with support temporarily

• Gives you 2-3 months to assess

• See how each manages separately

• Make a permanent decision with real information

This buys time to see what's actually needed.

 

The practical assessment

Can staying at home work for both parents?

• Is the house physically suitable?

• Can modifications make it safe?

• Can services meet their combined needs?

• Can the family provide oversight?

• Can they afford in-home support?

Would residential care be better?

• Would they be safer?

• Would they get better care?

• Would quality of life improve?

• Is couple's accommodation available?

• Can they afford it?

The emotional assessment

How much do they need each other?

• Are they comforted by each other's presence?

• Or do they bicker and stress each other out?

• Does one's confusion upset the other?

• Are they genuinely happier together?

The financial reality

Two people needing care is expensive:

At home:

• Home Care Packages for both (if available, depending on eligibility and waiting times)

• Or private care: $35-60+ per hour × many hours per week × 2 people

• Equipment, modifications

• Ongoing costs add up fast

Residential care:

• Basic daily fees for both

• Accommodation payments for both

• Possibly different facilities if a couple's room is not available

While Mum's still in hospital

For Dad at home:

• Is someone checking on him daily?

• Is he eating properly?

• Is he taking medications correctly?

• Is he coping emotionally?

• Does he need immediate support services?

Immediate help for Dad:

• Meals on Wheels

• Someone to visit daily (family or paid)

• Help with housework

• Transport to visit Mum in the hospital

• GP visit to assess him

Don't wait until Mum's discharged to address Dad's needs.

Coordinating two lots of care

You're now managing:

• Mum's hospital discharge planning

• Dad's current care at home

• Decisions about their joint future

• Possibly two sets of medical appointments

• Two people's medications, needs, and preferences

• Family communication about both

This is legitimately overwhelming.

Strategies that help:

• One calendar/notebook for both

• One main contact person for medical teams

• Regular family updates covering both

• Clear division of tasks if multiple siblings

• My Aged Care assessment for both (if not done)

Getting help for both

Call My Aged Care: 1800 200 422

"Both my parents need assessment. Mum is in the hospital after a fall, and Dad is struggling to manage at home. We need to look at care options for both of them."

They can:

• Arrange assessments for both

• Discuss couple care options

• Explain available services

• Help coordinate support

 

If they need to be apart

This is one of the hardest decisions.

After 40, 50, 60 years together, saying they need to live separately feels cruel.

But sometimes it's necessary:

• Safety requires it

• Care needs are too different

• One would be endangered by the other's behaviour

• Resources don't allow both in residential care

• No couple accommodation available

If separation is necessary:

Maintain connection:

• Regular visits (you drive, or arrange transport)

• Video calls

• Phone calls daily

• Bring news and photos between them

• Include one in decisions about the other

Acknowledge the grief:

• For them: loss of daily partnership

• For you: guilt about separating them

Know that sometimes separation improves quality of life:

• One needs sleep, the other wanders at night

• One needs quiet, the other is agitated

• Both get better care separately than compromised care together

 

He wants her home, but she's terrified of going home.

She wants to stay together, but he's exhausted caring for her.

One wants residential care, the other refuses.

What do you do?

If both are mentally capable:

• Each gets to decide for themselves

• You can't force someone into residential care if they refuse

• You can't force someone to stay home if they want care

If one has dementia/can't decide:

• The capable one's wishes carry more weight

• Power of Attorney makes decisions for the incapacitated one

• You prioritise safety and quality of life

 

One parent had a crisis. Now you're realising both parents need support. This is more complicated, more expensive, more emotionally difficult.

This is what matters:

Seeing one parent clearly reveals the other's struggles.

Couples often compensate for each other's limitations - until they can't.

Care decisions for two people are exponentially more complex.

Keeping them together might not be possible or best.

Separation is heartbreaking but sometimes necessary for safety or quality of life.

You're managing two people's care needs, often in different places with different requirements.

This week:

• Assess both parents honestly

• Get Dad immediate support while Mum's in hospital

• Start aged care assessments for both

• Explore couple care options

• Talk to them about what matters most

• Make temporary arrangements that buy time for permanent decisions

 

If home might work with support:
→ Read: Support at Home: What Does That Actually Mean?

If residential care for both:
→ Read: Mum Can't Go Home Again: Making the Residential Care Decision 

If managing this from far away:
→ Read: When You Can't Be There in Person (new)

If family disagrees:
→ Read: The Siblings Who Disappeared All Year Suddenly Have Opinions 

If you're overwhelmed:
→ Read: You're Not Just Tired. This Is What Burnout Actually Feels Like